Dear Headmaster Dumbledore,
by FlyingAboveTheClouds
Summary: Dumbledore gets many letters each day. Letters from students, staff, ministry people, parents, and others. Here are some of the more... interesting letters.
1. Psychiatrist

**This is my version of Dear Blank, Please Blank in which students and staff of Hogwarts (And occasionally other people) complain about various issues via letter. Hope you enjoy.**

Dear Headmaster Dumbledore,

I am writing this to make a very modest proposal. It is my opinion that if we started chaining students up by their ankles and keeping them in the dungeons, we would see dramatic improvements in their behavior. Please take this into consideration.

-Argus Filch

Dear Mr. Filch,

I appreciate your suggestion but I would like to remind you that it is against my policy to harm the students. I ask you to please stop suggesting methods of punishment that are gruesome and unethical. I suggest that you try to befriend the students and be kind to them, or perhaps pay a visit to a psychiatrist.

Thank you,

Albus Dumbledore


	2. Refrigerator

Dear Headmaster Dumbledore,

It appears that Mr. Weasley has accidently turned Madam Pomfrey into a refrigerator. Since it is a person who has been transfigured it is rather difficult for me to fix. Please send someone from St. Mungo's over here.

Thank you,

Minerva McGonagall

Dear Minerva,

I'm not quite sure what a refrigerator is.

-Albus Dumbledore


	3. Salary

Dear Headmaster Dumbledore,

Professor Trelawney said that you're in grave danger! She said that you must be wary of bridges, xylophones, and unicorns. Please Professor, make sure you avoid these! Professor Trelawney was right about my rabbit and Hermione Granger quitting Divination!

-Lavender Brown

Dear Ms. Brown,

Thank you for your concern but I think I would be more wary if Professor Trelawney hadn't just had her salary cut.

-Albus Dumbledore


	4. Suit of Armor

Dear Headmaster Dumbledore Sir,

Dobby is in a bit of trouble, sir. Dobby was walking when Peeves flew out and well, to make a long story short Dobby is stuck in a suit of armor. It is really dark and there's a spider and Dobby doesn't like the dark OR spiders. Dobby would like some help, sir! Please! Dobby is sorry for breaking that vase in the library, sir!

-Dobby

P.S. Dobby is not good at using pronouns.

Dear Mr. Filch,

If you walk by a suit of armor that is making noise, please remove the house elf from it. Also, please repair the vase in the library.

-Dumbledore


	5. The Fudge

Dear Headmaster Dumbledore,

I'm awesome.

- Cornelius 'The Fudge" Fudge

P.S. Don't bother to respond, I'm using my mom's owl.


	6. Nargles

Dear Headmaster Dumbledore,

I, as a concerned parent, would like to know if your school has been tested for nargles. Nargles are usually limited to being annoying pests, but sometimes they can be extremely dangerous. I would very much appreciate it if you had the school inspected. The following is a list of locations where nargles can be found:

- Mistletoe

- Suits of armor

- Frying pans

- Scarves

- Golden retrievers

- Dolls

- Umbrellas

- Refrigerators

- Fireplaces

- Bronze statues

Please check any places that fall under these categories. If you cannot find any competent nargles researchers, my daughter Luna has spectra-specs and would be more than happy to investigate the castle.

Thank you,

Xenophilius Lovegood

Dear Mr. Lovegood,

I assure you that Hogwarts does not have any golden retrievers or refrigerators.

-Albus Dumbledore


	7. Big Kitty

Dear Headmaster Dumbledore,

I just thought I'd let you know in advance that a student _may _have been _slightly _injured during Care of Magical Creatures. You see I had this Nunda that was a bit shy and he just got a little scared! HE DIDN'T MEAN TO HURT ANYONE. T'WAS JUST AN ACCIDENT! I swear! The injuries weren't that bad, there was just a little blood. It was nothing big. Please make sure he doesn't get hurt!

Thanks,

Hagrid

Dear Hagrid,

I know that you have a….unique view on how dangerous some magical creatures are and you were not able to teach the students about unicorns as you were planning on account of them being eaten, but you should know that a giant, gray, man-eating cat that stalks the open fields of Tanzania is NOT an acceptable substitute for cute horse-like creatures.

-Dumbledore


	8. How to deal with debt problems

Dear Headmaster Dumbledore,

I recently attended a Quidditch game at your school and I couldn't help but notice how slow your snitch was flying. And I was thinking to myself "Wow, Hogwarts is such a renowned school and deserves to have up to date Quidditch equipment." And then I realized, "Well I have access to all of this top rated Quidditch equipment!" So I'll sell you the latest model of snitch for only 600 Galleons! It reaches top speeds of 220 MPH! I'll also sell you a 30 lb., Blue Bottle Branded quaffle for only 150 Galleons and two Comet bludgers. You can buy two of these for only 500 galleons, or you can also buy one signed by me! It was the first bludger I hit that ever knocked someone unconscious! I'll give you that for only 800 galleons (not including the other bludger)! So what do you say? ONLY 1,800 GALLEONS! RIDICULOUSLY LOW!

-Ludo Bagman

Dear Mr. Bagman,

I believe this is what muggles would call, "Spam."

-Albus Dumbledore


	9. Knives

Dear Headmaster Dumbledore,

PLEASE DON'T GET MAD AT HAGRID FOR WHAT HAPPENED! It wasn't his fault or that Nunda-thing's! You see, Hagrid gave us all knives in case the thing attacked us and I tripped and well, yeah. And then the Slytherin that got "attacked" told Hagrid that the nun-thing or whatever it was called did it! Oh, and I didn't mean to do that, I tripped over some Hippogriff dung. I promise to be more careful!

-Neville Longbottom

Dear Hagrid,

You should've known better than to let Mr. Longbottom hold a knife.

-Dumbledore


	10. Goats

Dear Headmaster Dumbledore,

I have to apologize for the way my sons have been behaving. I never thought Fred and George would test their Potions assignments on Professor Snape. And all at once too! I do hope that his recovery goes well. Fred and George WILL be sent a howler and it WILL be embarrassing! Again, I'm so sorry!

-Molly Weasley

Dear Molly,

There is no need to apologize. Professor Snape's recovery is going quite well. The healers just have to remove the goat's head from his shoulder.

-Dumbledore


	11. Party

Dear Headmaster Dumbledore,

I am quite peeved at the behavior of the Gryffindors. They have been throwing wild parties while I'm trying to sleep! And Fred and George Weasley keep walking in and out of the common room to obtain food from the kitchens! They just take it right out of the kitchens! And then there's the shouting and cheering and screaming! And Neville Longbottom is always forgetting the password and ends up sleeping on the floor in front of my portrait! And they're always making "Until the Fat Lady sings" jokes. As if I haven't heard just about every one of those. Please tell those Gryffindors to calm down.

Thank you,

The Fat Lady

Dear Severus,

Do you know any good "Until the fat lady sings" jokes?

-Dumbledore


	12. Security Report

**This chapter is a security report from Professor Flitwick. It's not canon that Flitwick sends Dumbledore security reports but I thought it would be funny to see what a Hogwarts security report would look like. Also, I'd like to thank all the people who reviewed so far, so THANKS! BTW, some of these are things that are common on "Things I'm Not Allowed To Do At Hogwarts" lists.**

Dear Headmaster Dumbledore,

Here is my security report for yesterday:

7:00 A.M. - The Weasley twins are kicked out of the Quidditch field by Madam Hooch after attempting to use enchanted muggle vacuum cleaners instead of broomsticks.

7:15 A.M. – I saw Mr. Filch wandering around outside of Hagrid's hut. Apparently he was looking for his cat.

8:00 A.M. - A villager in Hogsmeade reported seeing a Death Eater. False Alarm.

8:20 A.M. - Muggle fairy tale books were found and removed from the history section from the library. Unfortunately two students, Mr. Crabbe and Mr. Goyle, had already used information from these books on their History of Magic essays.

8:30 A.M. - Peeves was caught with a prefect's badge. Minerva confiscated the badge and returned it to the prefect.

9:05 A.M. – Hagrid reported that the Giant Squid was harassing the merpeople. Issue remains unresolved.

9:40 A.M. – Colin and Dennis Creevey were caught skipping class. They claimed to have been trying to figure out Harry Potter's class schedule.

10:10 A.M. – Several students were too scared to go to class and refused to leave their common rooms. Further investigation revealed that Sybill had predicted their early demises.

11:50 A.M. – A group of students reported seeing Fred and George Weasley walking down a corridor and carrying Mrs. Norris.

12: 25 P.M. – Dean Thomas and Seamus Finnigan were given detention after sending a bottle of shampoo to Severus.

12:45 P.M. – A student was sent to the hospital wing during a Charms lesson. He was using an experimental spell. The spell caused his arm to bend at an unnatural angle.

1:30 P.M. - Mr. Filch was asked to leave the prefect's bathroom. Apparently he was still searching for Mrs. Norris.

1:35 P.M. - During a Slytherin Quidditch practice it was discovered that Draco Malfoy's broomstick had been replaced with an ordinary broom from Filch's office.

1:50 P.M. - Students reported seeing Fred and George Weasley walking away from the blast-ended skrewt pen.

2:20 P.M. – An argument broke out in the Divination room between Sybill and a student. Apparently the student had tried using fortune cookies.

3:00 P.M. – A large group of Gryffindors were escorted to Minerva's office after harassing Severus in the library. The students had surrounded him in a circle and began singing a song they call "The Mysterious Ticking Noise." They had refused to let him out of the circle until he found "the pipe bomb." After figuring out what a pipe bomb was several staff members searched the library. No pipe bombs were found.

4:45 P.M. - Two students were given a week long detention after attempting to replace Severus's pumpkin juice with Skele-Gro.

5:15 P.M. – A student in a courtyard shouted "Abracadabra." This was misheard by many students and caused a minor panic.

5:30 P.M. - Mr. Filch was discovered suspended about 30 feet in the air holding Draco Malfoy's broomstick. Apparently Madam Hooch forgot to retrieve Mr. Malfoy's broomstick after putting back Mr. Filch's ordinary broom. Staff members were able to get him down.

6:25 P.M. – Three Ravenclaw students were given detention after being caught trying to teach Peeves about the muggle sport known as "paint ball."

7:15 P.M. – Mrs. Norris was found by a group of 6th years. She appeared to have several burns.

7:35 P.M. – Eight students were caught sneaking into Severus's private chambers. They were all asked to go to the offices of their heads of houses.

8:10 P.M. – The Gryffindors began throwing a party to celebrate their victory in today's Quidditch games.

11:15 P.M. – The Fat Lady complained about the Gryffindors party. The party was allowed to go on however.

1:45 A.M. – An argument broke out between Fred and George Weasley and a house elf. Apparently the two had wanted more food for their party but the house elf had been told not to give them any food past 1 A.M. to avoid irritating the Fat Lady. The Fat Lady however did become irritated.

That was the security report for yesterday. As you can see a few issues remain unresolved and will have to be dealt with later.

-Filius Flitwick

**Something I just realized while rereading this; no one likes Filch. No one even bothers to tell him that Fred & George were seen with his cat while he's looking for his cat. And the thing with the broom. Poor Filch. I'm mean to Filch.**


	13. Fudge Issues

Dear Headmaster Dumbledore,

There have been some minor issues at the ministry and I was wondering if maybe you could help out with. I know that I haven't been very kind to you lately but you know what it's like, running a large group of people. Right? Well it would be really great if you could come over here and help. Here are the current issues:

- A young witch or wizard used magic outside of school but we can't tell who because they were in a group of thirty other witches and wizards.

- It seems that the whole "exploding toilets" fad has sprung up again.

- A young muggle born witch that has not yet learned to control her magic accidently caused a muggle's head to grow at an astronomical rate. We'll need to erase the muggle's memory.

- The Muggle-worthy Excuse Committee needs to think of a way to explain why seventeen muggles all reported seeing a massive, gray cat wandering around a nearby forest.

- Need to think of what we should do about the muggle known as "Loren Coleman." I think he's on to us.

- Need to discuss our current regulations for cauldron thickness.

- There was an accident during Concealment and Disguise training for the aurors. Apparently a bit of chicken feather found its way into some polyjuice potion.

Your help would be greatly appreciated on these matters.

-"The Fudge"

Advertisement- Is there a registered Death Eater living in your area? Find out now!

Dear Minister,

I think I know where the "massive, gray cat" came from.

-Dumbledore

****

**I bet like five people got the Loren Coleman joke. BTW, if you like Ace Attorney I have two fanfics for that and I'm currently working on a very strange Ace Attorney/To Kill a Mockingbird crossover where Boo Radley makes a time machine so that Atticus can save Tom Robinson but they end up going to the year 2025, a year before the events of the fourth Ace Attorney game. And then Atticus meets Phoenix and hilarity ensues. I just thought I'd take the chance to advertise that.**


	14. Beards

Dear Headmaster Dumbledore,

I was searching for nargles today and I discovered that there are nargles everywhere! Everyone is covered with nargles. They're flying around people's heads and tucked in their scarves. And you have quite a few in your beard, headmaster! Are you trying to grow a nargle colony? Also, I found that Dobby is practically covered head to toe in them. Which is strange, because none of the other house elves had that many nargles. Has Dobby been near your beard recently? Anyway, I can see that these Nargles are becoming a big problem. I know a way to get rid of nargles but I'll need a Sneakoscope, your Deluminator, a Revealer, and the Incendio spell.

-Luna Lovegood

Dear Ms. Lovegood,

I appreciate your concern about the well being of everyone at the school but I don't think it is necessary at the moment. I would prefer you do not attempt this method you have of getting rid of nargles as it involves you wielding fire and that would probably put the school in more danger than the nargles. Also, as far as I can remember I have never had a house elf in my beard.

-Albus Dumbledore


	15. More Goats!

Dear Headmaster Dumbledore,

We've heard a lot of really interesting rumors going around Hogwarts lately and we were just wondering are you and Professor McGonagall really going out? And is it true that Professor Snape sings "I Will Survive" in the mirror when no one's looking? And will getting everyone in the Great Hall to do the Time Warp really get us house points? And does the minister really call himself "The Fudge"? And is it true what Aberforth did to the goats?

-Fred & George W.

Dear Fred and George Weasley,

How did you find out about the goats?

-Albus Dumbledore


	16. Author's Note

**Author's Note**

**I just thought I'd let you guys know that I probably won't be able to update for a day or two. My next update will probably be on Monday, Tuesday at the latest. I just wanted to say that because A LOT of people are adding this to their Story Alerts. **

**Thanks,**

**FlyingAboveTheClouds**


	17. Even More Goats

**Hey everyone! Sorry for the wait. You know, as I write more of these it's becoming harder and harder to think of funny ideas. I would really appreciate it if maybe you readers would maybe send in some requests. You can us PM or just request it in a review and request either request a character to write a letter or the subject of the letter. I'd prefer you don't do both unless you have a really funny idea, I'd like to use a **_**little **_**of my own creativity. Thanks!**

Dear Albus,

How did your students find out about the goats? Fred and George Weasley are at my house RIGHT NOW insisting that I tell them if it's true.

-Aberforth

Dear Aberforth,

Rita Skeeter did an entire issue of Witch Weekly about it….and she had pictures.

-Albus


	18. Thing

Dear Headmaster Dumbledore,

I'll have you know that Mother is furious that I was brutally attacked by that massive, hideous, gray beast. Hagrid is a revolting thing. He's not even a person he's a THING! And he scares me. Mother will use her influence in the Ministry to get you kicked out of the country!

-Pansy Parkinson

Dear Ms. Parkinson,

This dictionary defines "thing" as "a material object without life or consciousness; an inanimate object." Since Hagrid does in fact live, so I believe the correct term in this situation would be "animal" or "fauna."

-Dumbledore


	19. Crazy

Dear Headmaster Dumbledore,

I am thrilled to tell you that I have finally regained my memory! I know those two students had some CRAZY idea that I tried to erase their memories and abandon them but it's not true. No, No, No, it's not true at all. I'm sure that it was all from shock. Well, anyway, I'm ready to teach at Hogwarts again. I'm sure the students will be thrilled to hear of my return! I will come to the castle next Tuesday!

-Gilderoy Lockhart

Dear Mr. Lockhart,

Please don't.

-Dumbledore


	20. Tears

**Hey everyone! Welcome to the 20****th**** chapter of Dear Headmaster Dumbledore! I'd just like to say thanks for all of the reviews and suggestions. My e-mail inbox is filling up like crazy. This story is becoming really popular. First, I shall take over Know Your Meme, and then THE WORLD!...yeah, not really. Anyway, this is my first reader requested chapter. This is from Megan Geyer. Thanks for suggesting this!**

Dear Headmaster Dumbledore,

I was so UPSET! I was in the library and in the muggle section there was a book called Twilight! And I read it and there's a vampire called Edward and he's JUST like Cedric. He has brown hair and he's nice and (…unintelligible scrawl….) and then there's Jacob and he loves Bella too but (…...…..unintelligible scrawl…)

and it's SO sad! I'm just worried that someone will read that book and be sad because Cedric's gone!

Thanks,

Cho Chang

Dear Cho Chang,

I know you're sad due to the loss of your boyfriend but GOOD GOD, MUST YOU REALLY GET TEARS ALL OVER THE PARCHMENT! I CAN'T EVEN READ THIS!

-Albus Dumbledore


	21. Pravda

Dear Headmaster Dumbledore,

I have shocking news! I have discovered another use for dragon's blood. Apparently, it is and excellent varnish! My broomstick looks better than ever and my piano is positively sparkling! Well…technically it's not _my _piano; I'm currently staying at a muggle house in America. It's in a town called Amityville. For some reason muggles appear to be avoiding the house. I don't know why though, It's a nice house.

-Horace Slughorn

Dear Horace,

FOR GOD'S SAKE GET OUT!

-Albus Dumbledore

**Before anyone complains saying that it is inaccurate that Dumbledore would freak out at ghosts, they're not ghosts. They're rogue poltergeists… there's a difference. And also I wanted Dumbledore to say that because it's on the movie poster for "Amityville Horror."**

**Bonus- Pravda**

**One of my favorite past times is reading articles on the English website for the Russian newspaper, Pravda. I apologize to any Russian readers but you cannot deny the fact that the Russian media is…strange. Here are the names of some articles and some quotes from the articles.**

**The Death of the Sun to be Accompanied with Gigantic Fireworks**

**Quotes- **

"**Scientists say that about 20 percent of comets of the Oort cloud will be discharged into interstellar space during this process. This phenomenon will most likely look like gigantic fireworks."**

**Boys and girls abolished in Sweden**

**Quotes- **

"**The words 'boy' and 'girl'**** are no longer used there, while pronouns 'he' and 'she' were replaced with 'it'."**

"**In this kindergarten, pronouns 'han' (he) and 'hon' (she) were replaced with genderless 'hen'."**

"**For example, fairy-tales about Cinderella and Snow White are no longer allowed at that school. The teachers apparently believe that such stories tell children what gender inequality may lead to. Instead, they read books about two male giraffes who were very concerned about their inability to become parents until they found an abandoned crocodile egg. All other books at school are about same-sex families, single parents and orphans."**

**In the bowels of the Moon has more water than anticipated**

**This is word for word the title of the article. The actual article isn't strange or anything I just find the grammar (or lack of) hilarious.**

**Winged calf is the first step towards Pegasus**

**Quotes-**

"**Even though it might be too early to talk about winged horses, we now have Yasha the Calf with clearly defined wings." **

"**But to be completely honest, he has an extra pair of limbs on his back."**

**Gunshot wound in the head can make some people brilliant**

**Quotes-**

"**While the victim was waiting for medical help, he suddenly sneezed, and the bullet flew out of his nose."**


	22. Stalking

Dear Headmaster Dumbledore,

For the past month I've been hiding from Lavender Brown and somehow SHE KEEPS FINDING ME! It's really annoying. I'm not sure how she found me thirty feet up a tree in the middle of the Forbidden Forest but somehow she did. Can you tell that nutter to knock it off?

-Ron Weasley

P.S. The Marauder's Map is missing. Have you seen it?

Dear Mr. Weasley,

You do realize that your friend Mr. Potter has an invisibility cloak, right?

-Albus Dumbledore


	23. Dormitory

Dear Headmaster Dumbledore,

I found this suspicious looking letter hidden in a loose floor board in the Gryffindor girls' dormitory. I think it may be from some sort of group of Death Eaters. Perhaps they are the Dark Lord's elite followers. I fear that the school may be infiltrated. I don't really care if the students get hurt but I need a job. The letter I found is enclosed.

"Dear Lily,

We just wanted to tell you that we're really sorry about

Suspending Snivellus in mid air in front of the whole

School, but we really think you should stop hanging

out with him. He's dangerous. And he likes cockroach

clusters. That's just weird.

-The Marauders

P.S. It would be really cool if you hung out with us."

I think that this group is trying to invade the school. These "Marauders", they sound like hooligans.

-Argus Filch

Dear Mr. Filch,

What on Earth were you doing in the Gryffindor girls' dormitory?

-Albus Dumbledore

**It **_**is**_** "cockroach clusters" right? I can't shake the feeling that they're not called that. Sorry, I guess I haven't been studying my Harry Potter trivia enough. What's some Harry Potter trivia I know by heart? Uhhhh…Crookshanks isn't a cat, he's kneazle. Wait, Crookshanks is a he, right?...crap.**


	24. Murders

Dear Headmaster Dumbledore,

I believe that our school is in grave danger. The heavens have informed me that a group of Death Eaters known as the "Murders", who are the Dark Lord's elite, will arrive at the school and wreak havoc. They are quite possibly cannibals, who will eat the students and they will use dark magic that they learn from books called necronomicons. We must protect the school!

-Sybill Trelawney

Dear Sybill,

Stop talking to Filch.

-Dumbledore

P.S. It's "Marauders" not "Murders."


	25. In Which My AN is Way Too Long

**Hellooooooooooo everyone! Before I show you this chapter, I'd like to show you two quotes (You can skip this if you want to, it's ridiculously long). You see I was updating my profile with awesome quotes and I was looking at some Stephen King quotes. Even though Stephen King is generally regarded as a very dark writer, but not every thing about him is about evil demonic clowns attacking small children (that of course is the plot in his book "It"). **

**Like many people, he has an opinion on the age old debate of Harry Potter vs. Twilight and I really like how he puts it:**

**-"Both Rowling and Meyer, they're speaking directly to young people. … The real difference is that Jo Rowling is a terrific writer and Stephenie Meyer can't write worth a darn. She's not very good." **

**-"Harry Potter is about confronting fears, finding inner strength and doing what is right in the face of adversity. Twilight is about how important it is to have a boyfriend." **

**I think that's why I hate Twilight. It's okay for people to like Twilight, but the thing about me is that I always like the message hidden in the art. That's what I always look for in books. That's why books like "To Kill a Mocking Bird" and "Harry Potter" are my favorite books. **

**AH-HEM. Sorry for wasting your time with that ridiculously long Author's Note. That was supposed to be a lot shorter.**

Dear Headmaster Dumbledore,

I heard from some loon called Trelawney that there is a rumor about a group of Death Eaters storming the castle. Also Xenophilius Lovegood implied that his daughter found an infestation of something called "nargles." Now I have no idea what nargles are but they sound dangerous. If I were you I would be cautious. Especially with that Filch hanging around the place.

-Mad-Eye Moody

P.S. CONSTANT VIGILANCE!

Dear Mad-Eye,

I really should do a background check on Mr. Filch.

-Dumbledore

**Sorry for kinda killing the mood with that Author's Note. But that second quote; totally my new favorite quote. Also, I think this is my first chapter that was longer than a page. Well…now it is because I added that last sentence. Whoo! Oh, and just to clear things up, a Kneazle is a magical cat like creature that can sense untrustworthy people, which is why Crookshanks keeps attacking Peter Pettigrew as Scabbers. Kneazles were talked about in "Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find them" a book that Jo wrote for charity and Jo later confirmed that Crookshanks is, in fact, a kneazle. I'm pretty sure Mrs. Norris is too, which explains why she always seems to show up while Harry, Ron, and Hermione are sneaking around the castle a night. God, another long author's note. I'm sorry, I promise not to have any more author's notes for at least two chapters.**


	26. Security Report 2

Dear Headmaster Dumbledore,

Here is my security report for yesterday,

6:55 A.M. – Harry Potter, Ron Weasley, and Hermione Granger were wandering around the grounds. They said they were looking for "The Marauder's Map."… I have no idea what that is…

7:30 A.M. – Minerva scolded a group of 7th years after she overheard them encouraging 1st years to "befriend the Whomping Willow."

7:35 A.M. – Hagrid was seen walking around the Forbidden Forest. He was carrying a rather large net.

8:15 A.M. – Hannah Abbot and Alicia Spinnet upset many ghost by joking that they would "call the Ghostbusters." I told them that this was a cruel joke to play on the ghosts, especially Moaning Myrtle.

8:25 A.M. – Fred and George Weasley were seen running down a corridor. No one was able to find them.

8:40 A.M. – Mr. Filch was seen holding a map and wandering around the castle. He was reportedly muttering something about his cat.

9:05 A.M. – An incident occurred during a Herbology lesson in which a student charmed a cactus to behave much like the Whomping Willow. Eighteen students were sent to the hospital wing.

9:10 A.M. – Zacharias Smith was given detention after trying to sell "tickets to get into the Chamber of Secrets."

10:00 A.M. – Cornelius Fudge arrived at the castle for his week long business trip. Several students were asked to stop harassing him.

10:15 A.M. – Mr. Potter, Mr. Weasley, and Ms. Granger were asking students where Mr. Filch was. I asked them why they were looking for Mr. Filch and they responded that he may have taken something from Harry.

10: 50 A.M. – Terry Boot reported being asked by Mr. Filch where Fred and George Weasley were.

11:05 A.M. – Severus reported large amounts of potion ingredients being stolen. They included:

-Wolfsbane

-Belladonna

-Acromantula venom

-Bloodroot

-Hemlock

-White snakeroot

-Giant hogweed

11:20 A.M. – The Weasley twins were seen being chased by Mr. Filch into the Forbidden Forest.

11:25 A.M. – Mr. Potter, Mr. Weasley, and Ms. Granger were seen running into the Forbidden Forest

11:55 A.M. – Cornelius Fudge was dragged into the lake by the Giant Squid. Several staff members were able to get him out.

12:05 P.M. - The Weasley twins were seen yelling and running through a corridor, followed by Mr. Filch who was holding some kind of map, and then Mr. Potter, Mr. Weasley, and Ms. Granger.

12:30 P.M. – Dean Thomas, Seamus Finnigan, and Neville Longbottom were asked to leave Cornelius Fudge's guest chambers.

1:45 P.M. – A fight broke out in the transfiguration room between Mr. Filch, three of the Weasley children, Harry Potter, and Hermione Granger. Mr. Filch and Fred and George Weasley were shouting at each other about something to do with a cat and the other three were demanding for Mr. Filch to return "The Marauder's Map."

2:00 P.M. – A meeting began with the minister about an issue involving wizards attempting to send photos of house elves to a muggle magazine known as the "Weekly World News."

2:05 P.M. – Colin Creevey was given detention after trying to sell photos of "Harry Potter's epic fight in the transfiguration room."

2:50 P.M. – Peeves flew in during a Hufflepuff/Slytherin Quidditch match and stole the snitch. This caused confusion as no one had realized that he had taken it. The match went on for four hours before Peeves decided to return it because no one had become enraged.

3:45 P.M. – The minister's meeting was interrupted when Sybill and the minister began arguing after Sybill predicted that he would be chased by a unicorn.

4:00 P.M. – Several students were seen being thrown into the air repeatedly by some invisible force. Four staff members watch in awe for twenty minutes before realizing that they were being mauled by Thestrals.

4:20 P.M. – Severus reported that someone had put a unicorn in his office. It is not known how the unicorn got there.

4:30 P.M. – Two students began dueling in the court yard. Severus attempted to break up the fight. He is now in the hospital wing. A spell somehow caused the goat head to grow back.

4:35 P.M. – Severus returned to his office after having the goat head removed. He discovered that the unicorn had devoured a love potion. The unicorn became rather fond of Severus.

5:00 P.M. – Some Ravenclaw students were caught eavesdropping on the minister's meeting. The students had been hiding under the table. When found, they stole the minister's hat and ran off.

5:05 P.M. – Padma Patil reported seeing Severus being chased into the Forbidden Forest by a unicorn.

5: 15 P.M. – The Ravenclaw students were caught by Minerva as they were running down a corridor on the fourth floor. They were asked to give Minister Fudge his hat back and apologize. Despite their apology, the minister was not pleased.

5:50 P.M. – Severus ran out of the Forbidden Forest screaming. About a minute later an Acromantula emerged from the forest.

6:20 P.M. – Loren Coleman showed up in the forbidden forest. He was attacked by a thestral. He seemed to think that it was a poltergeist. Silly muggle. His memory was obliviated.

6:25 P.M. - A dung bomb was set off in the great hall.

6: 40 P.M. – Loren Coleman wandered back into the Forbidden Forest. Grawp found him. He was taken to St. Mungo's and then to the nearest muggle suburb.

7:30 P.M. – A book was stolen from the restricted section in the library. It was called "Poisons and how to slip them into someone's drink."

8:00 P.M. – The minister's meeting was interrupted yet again when Lucius Malfoy came on and began implying that he wanted a job at the ministry. The minister decided that the meeting was over, walked out of the room, and scolded the 23 students that had their ears pressed to the door.

We may want to find out who took that book about poison…and the various poisonous substances that are missing from Severus's office.

-Filius Flitwick


	27. Big Kitty Returns

Dear Headmaster Dumbledore,

I bet you didn't think I could understand English. Well, I can. I just thought you'd like to know that I am now happily living in the Caledonian forest. It's really nice here, except a muggle named Loren Coleman is stalking me. It's weird…because he's like 64. And he keeps trying to take pictures of me. It's weird….

-The Nunda

**Bonus- Random Facts **

**In 2004, David Bowie thought he was being stalked by someone dressed as a giant pink rabbit. Bowie noticed the fan at several concerts, but he became alarmed when he got on a plane and the bunny was on board**

**The state of Maryland has no natural lakes**

**Tom Hanks is a descendant of Abraham Lincoln**

**The murmur of a crowd in a film is recreated by having several people say "walla, walla, walla, walla"**

**Two former Marlboro Men have died of lung cancer**

**A series of random non-alphabet characters used to denote swearing (#$%&?) is known as a "grawlix"**

**1% of the American population is in jail**

**The U.S. government spent $277,000 to research pickles in 1993**

**By the way, my next update will probably be on Sunday. I'm really busy during the weekends :( Also, I lied about not having another author's note for two chapters. I only had one chapter without an author's note. :( **


	28. Lucius Teaches Us Vocab

**Hola! Watashi wa neko deshita! That's Japanese for "I was a cat" because I forgot how to say "am not"! Okay, two people have asked who Loren Coleman is. Let me start by saying sorry. That was just kind of my own personal joke. Probably only person got that. It would have been a lot funnier if I explained it too. Loren Coleman is a very famous (at least in the scientific community) cryptozoologist and the head of the website; Cryptomundo. I personally never liked him that much, not because he's a "believer" but because he refuses to accept logical explanations for things and he insulted one of my favorite scientists, Joe Nickell. But really! They make a casting from a print in mud and scientists discover that it matches almost perfectly the impression an elk would make if it fell but Loren Coleman's just like "OMG! An imprint in the mud near where an apple tree is! Clearly Bigfoot was trying to get an apple without leaving behind a footprint!" That's pretty much what he said…**

Dear Headmaster Dumbledore,

I simply desiderate to inform you in an unbiased manner that it is my belief that you are administering your school with a substandard technique that requires immediate vicissitude. It would be an ingenious judgment if you were to contemplate perhaps employing me as a professor and head of Slytherin house at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. I am very adept with juveniles. I simply adulate those innocent uh….teenyboppers.

Thank you,

Lucius Malfoy

Dear Mr. Malfoy,

Why don't you help out the Ministry with those exploding toilets?

-Albus Dumbledore

**Okay so I ask of you, yes YOU, you reading this right now to help me. I'm trying to think of a letter that Ollivander could write. Obviously it has to have something to do with wands but I just can't think of a reason why he would have to tell Dumbledore something about wands. It wouldn't e that funny to repeat the spam thing. Can you guys think of anything?**

**P.S. You're my favorite reader. Yes, you. You reading this right now. You're my favorite. Don't tell the other readers though. **

**P.P.S. This will be my only post for today. I promise I will have the usual three chapters tomorrow. **


	29. Wand Care

**Hi everyone…I'm tired. I was up all night watching episodes of Saturday Night Live online. I love SNL. Bill Haden is awesome; YAY STEFON! Has anyone ever seen the Weekend Update Valentine's Day sketch with Stefon? It must be hard for him not to laugh while explaining on live TV that DJ Baby Bok Choy:**

"**He's a giant, three hundred pound, Chinese baby who spins record with his little RAVIOLLI HANDS!"**

**Um….anyway, thanks to everyone for ideas for this chapter.**

Dear Headmaster Dumbledore,

I was astonished to discover how poorly the students at your school treat their wands. I clearly remember when the Ron Weasley Boy walked into my shop and asked for another wand. He said that he had broken his old wand! How carless of him! I mean I guess he _was_ attacked by some massive, demonic tree but REALLY! I insist that you let me give a seminar about wand care! Hagrid told me some very interesting stories about Students misusing their wands. Wands are not to be used for picking noses, stirring tea, stabbing, scratching your back, cutting meat, and especially not dissecting pixies! I will show them how to handle, maintain, and car for the wand!

-Ollivander

Dear Mr. Ollivander,

I find my wand rather useful for cutting steak.

-Dumbledore

**After I wrote Dumbledore's response I totally imagined Voldemort taking the Elder Wand from his grave and making a little speech to himself as he holds it up to the sky. And then, he sniffs the air and then the wand and he's like "Wh-what is this! WHY DOES IT SMELL LIKE MEAT?"**


	30. Dudders

Dear Headmaster Dumbledore,

My son Dudley is an extraordinary, wonderful, polite, and selfless boy. I would very much like it if you considered accepting him into that strange little school of yours. I know he doesn't appear to have err…magic, but maybe you could test him. You must have some sort of test? Like maybe you could test to see if he can pull a rabbit out of a hat? Or do card tricks? Dudders is a very good boy, he goes to Smeltings.

-Petunia Vernon

Dear Petunia,

REMEMBER MY LAAASSTTTTTT!

-Dumbledore


	31. Smiley

Dear Headmaster Dumbledore,

Okay, I'll sell you five house elves for 75 galleons each, a toilet seat that's charmed to explode when someone uses it for 30 galleons, a quill that grows legs and dances on command for 10 galleons, a dragon egg for 300 galleons, and a muggle computer for 600 galleons. What do you say? All of that for only 1305 galleons! Come on! Please….please?

-Ludo Bagman

Dear Mr. Bagman,

I will not buy house elves! I will not buy illegal dragon eggs or exploding toilet seats! I CAN'T buy a muggle computer as my school does not have why-fye or whatever that muggle invention is called! I will however buy the dancing quill, that sounds like a delightful little trinket! : )

-Albus Dumbledore

P.S. Did you notice the smiley face? It's a colon and a parenthesis! I love it! I learned it from Ms. Granger!

**Hey everyone! This is the 31****st**** chapter. This story now has over 100 reviews! YAY STEFON! I have two questions:**

**1) How long should this story go on? Obviously I can't do this forever. When should I stop? 50 chapters? 100 chapters? More?**

**2) I want to make another Harry Potter fanfic. What should it be? I came up with three ideas:**

**A SongDrabble. I'll have my ipod on shuffle and make each chapter based on a different song.**

**Funny poems. I'll go through all the books and write humorous poems about each chapter of every book. **

**A next gen fic. The adventures of Albus, James, Lily, Rose, Hugo and other next generation characters.**


	32. Spleen!

Dear Headmaster Dumbledore,

Dobby got stuck while running away from a mad, blonde girl. She was chasing Dobby down a corridor and trying to set Dobby on fire. She said it was to get rid of the "nargles." Dobby kept running and saw a large vase so Dobby his in the vase and the girl ran by Dobby but now Dobby is stuck in the vase! And an old lady put her pink umbrella in the vase and now the umbrella is crushing Dobby's spleen. Please help Dobby, Mr. Dumbledore sir!

-Dobby

Dear Dobby,

Did you know that the spleen contains half of the body's monocytes and red pulp? I have no idea what either of those things are but they sound important. I will have Luna take care of this issue immediately!

-Dumbledore

**Does anyone have anymore requests? Anyone? Yes? No? How about Atticus Finch, that would be weird….just kidding, I'm not doing a letter from Atticus Finch.**


	33. Black

Dear Headmaster Dumbledore,

Please tell your students that I DON NOT know anyone by the name of "Jacob Black" or "Sam Uley." Also, werewolves do not form packs and go to war with vampires as we have nothing against vampires. And no, I have never "imprinted" someone. It would also be nice if students would stop trying to get a glimpse of my upper arm, I DON'T HAVE A TRIBAL TATOO!

-Remus Lupin

Dear Sirius,

Do you have a cousin named Jacob Black?

-Dumbledore

**I had to go to the Twilight wiki to look up facts about Jacob Black. I wish the Harry Potter wiki was black too….and I wish Stephanie Myers would stop stealing names of our characters…and our actors *cough* Cedric *cough*.**


	34. Voldy teaches us about anagrams

Dear Headmaster Dumbledore,

It would be delightful if I could maybe borrow some of you Slytherin students for a conference about future leaders of England and Scotland. I will teach them more powerful spells to impress the wizards and witches attending the conference. Nothing dark though. No, no, no, no, no, nothing dark. ABSOLUTLEY NOTHING DARK. No, this lesson will be completely free of dark magic. I might test how willing they are to put their lives ahead of mine, but if they don't return there's nothing to worry about. It simply means that they decided to train to be a future leader. Nothing more.

-David Metrollmoor

Dear Mr. Metrollmoor,

Take Filch…please.

-Albus Dumbledore

**In case you didn't notice David Metrollmoor is an anagram for Tom Marvolo Riddle and I Am Lord Voldemort. I used wordsmith to get a list of anagrams. I picked this one because it was actually "David Me troll Moor" and I imagined Voldemort using a muggle computer that he bought from Ludo Bagman and trolling people on Yahoo Answers. Here are some of the other anagrams I liked:**

**Overlaid Dorm Molt**

**Mermaid Drool Volt**

**Moderator Doll Vim**

_**Imagine Voldy as the moderator of a website. "AHH! You can't say #$^&*! on this message board! I'm shutting down your account for 3 days!" **_

**Tidal Overlord Mom**

**Dammit Drool Lover**

_**Eww…Voldy…NO!**_

**Mad Voldemort Roil**

**Rad Voldemort Limo**

_**The famous rapper Lord Voldemort steps out of his limo at the Oscars after his huge scandal of trying recruit young wizards and witches from Hogwarts. Our reporters asked Voldemort if his posse he calls the "Death Eaters" were still loyal to him, however he refused to comment. **_

**Immoral Voted Lord**

_**Voldy won the election for Head of Death Eaters. It is believed that he rigged the voting. His opponent, Al Gore, felt very cheated.**_

**Immortal Veld Odor**

_**Apparently a "veld" is a South African field…this sounds like a deodorant commercial. How many times has the happened to you? You ask out a girl and she rejects you because you smell like South African field and you become evil and crazy and you just can't get rid of that stench of South African field? Well now there's deSouthAfricanfeildodorant! **_

**Moral Lorded Vomit**

**A Overdid Troll Mom**

_**Voldemort as a mom excessively trolling on the internet: "Hehehe I told you that you're stupid. NO ONE DEFEATS LORD VOLDEMOM! **_

**A Voldemort Lord Mi**

_**Voldemort trying to make his own mii on the 3DS he just bought: "AHH! I don't look scary enough! I liked the controls on my DS Lite better! AHHHH NINTENDO! **_

**Wouldn't Voldemort as a rapper be awesome? Lord Voldy & and the Death Eaters. Their first single could be "Run This Castle." Hehehe…**


	35. Derf & Eggore

Dear Headmaster Dumbledore,

We have not received the payment for your gigantic talking tree yet. You currently own our company over 2,000 galleons. You better pay up or we'll have to come to your school and kidnap your students. OR WORSE!

-Derf & Eggore Yawlees of the "Yawlees' Rad Wiz Zee Hews" Company

Dear Fred & George,

It stopped being funny after the fourth letter.

-Albus Dumbledore


	36. Dark'Ness

Der Headmaster Dumblydore,

Dat prep Cho sed she wanted Twighlight 2 b taken ot of da library. Wel DON'T! She's a PREP! I luv dat bok! Also, I fink sat Hrry and Draco shuld hang ot mor. A LOT MOR! AND DONT TAKE TWILIGHT OT OF DA LIBRRY! OR I'L b MMAAAADDDD!

-Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way


	37. Soup

Dear Headmaster Dumbledore,

Um… you see I was eating some soup in the Great Hall and your pet bird…um it died in my soup….I'M SOORRRRYYYYYYY!

-First Year Student

**Has anyone noticed that for non-characters I just refer to them using generic titles instead of making up names? It's kinda like in a lot of Japanese video games where everyone besides the 7 – 6 main characters is called something like "Male Student" or "Little Girl." How hard would it be to just use a random name generator or something? I MEAN REALLY!...wait….I think I just called myself lazy.**


	38. Author's Note 2

Hey Everyone! Next update will be Monday or Tuesday. Sorry for the longish delay. In case you haven't noticed taking the weekends off is kinda a regular thing now. And yesterday I was going to update but then I started watching back-to-back episodes of Alphas on Syfy which is AWESOME and then I went shopping and then I came back home and then I started watching back-to-back episodes of Bones which is my FAVORITE TV SHOW EVER and then I watched Beyond Scared Straight on A&E and then I realized that it was 11:30 P.M. Whoops.


	39. The Wave of the Future

Dear Albus,

Finally! I have rigged a time turner to take this letter back in time exactly one day! My problem before was that the time turner kept taking myself as well. But I have found a clever solution to the problem and I have successfully sent this letter to you.

-Albus

Dear Albus,

Excellent! I was wondering when I would figure that out! I will make sure to send your letter to myself tomorrow so as not to create a paradox!

-Albus


	40. Leaky Con and David Caruso

Dear Headmaster Dumbledore,

I would be delighted if you would attend the annual muggle convention with me! It's called Leaky Con! They will be showing the premiere of something muggles call a "moving picture." I found this somewhat strange since we already have pictures that move and watching a picture for an hour wouldn't be fun, but apparently it doesn't repeat the same thing over and over again. Things actually happen! Like in a sequence of events! Like in a book! It's amazing! The movie is called "Kiss of Death." It has a muggle named David Caruso in it. It's weird though, because it doesn't look like it has any dementors in it. And I thought David Caruso was one of those please-men things. Or is it called Police men? I forgot.

-Arthur Weasley

Dear Arthur,

I would be delighted to go. I believe you are right about David Caruso. I hear that he plans to work on something that they're going to call "See-us-eye." What an odd name.

-Albus Dumbledore

**Someone asked why Dumbledore didn't respond to those two letters and….uh, I guess I just thought they would sound funnier if Dumbledore didn't reply. Actually, I'm going to go with the My Immortal explanation here and say "HE HADTHS A HEADACK!11111MMMEEEHEHHEHHEHHEHH!PRREEEEPPPZZZZ!"**

**And someone asked why in one of the chapter Dumbledore sent a letter to Sirius instead of replying to Lupin's letter and um…well I guess Dumbledore just wanted to know who Jacob Black was. Dumbledore is old, he's not exactly up to date with pop culture. Besides David Caruso, Dumbledore likes David Caruso.**


	41. Author's Note 3

Hey Everyone! Sorry for the extreme lack of updates! I've been finishing my summer reading for school and I had to go school shopping and my mom flipped out about Hurricane Irene and made me go shopping with her for supplies and we ended up just buying food because there's no food in my house and I'm taking my grandmother out for dinner in two hours! Sorry! Updates will become more frequent after school starts next Tuesday! Thanks for being patient, everyone! (Well, actually I don't know if you're being patient but I'm going to assume that you're being patient). Oh also, David Caruso is an actor who was on NYPD Blue. He then did a role in a movie called "Kiss of Death" in 1995 and after that he did CSI: Crime Scene Investigation. The "See-us-eye" thing was Dumbledore trying to say CSI. It kind of a reference to Goblet of Fire when Amos Diggory says "Please Men" instead of police men. I was also just making fun of David Caruso. Because he left the show that made him famous, did a crappy movie, and then went on another show and played pretty much the same character. Although the only reason I picked David Caruso to make fun of was because I looked up films made in 1995 (to be accurate to the timeline of Harry Potter) and I saw Kiss of Death and I'm like "Oh, I could use that to make fun of David Caruso, HAHAHA I'm so clever. I should be in Ravenclaw!" Anyway….I'll update tomorrow.


	42. Lulz

Dear Headmaster Dumbledore,

I am still rather peeved after the goat incident a little while back. That was all the fault of Fred and George Weasley. I insist that you punish them in a very severe fashion. I COULD HAVE DIED! At least have them clean my office. Ugh…I'm going to go get some pumpkin juice.

-Severus Snape

Dear Fred and George Weasley,

As punishment for your previous actions, you will be cleaning Professor Snape's office tonight at seven o'clock.

-Dumbledore

P.S. Put a Puking Pastille in his pumpkin juice, it will be funny. LULZ! : )

P.P.S. I'm not sure what lulz means, but it sounds like a delightful word!


	43. In which there is a breach in security

Dear Headmaster Dumbledore,

That girl, Ebony, she won't stop following me. She keeps calling me "Vampire" and she's creepy and she insists that I promised I would take her to an MCR concert. I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT MCR IS! And she keeps asking me if I want to "slit muh ristz" with her. Also, I don't think that pink fishnet stockings and short skirts are appropriate for school. Does she realize that we have uniforms?

-Harry

Dear Harry,

Yes, I remember getting a letter from her. She did appear to be a little…off. Wait, do we _have _a student named Ebony?...Uh-oh

-Albus Dumbledore

**MCR = My Chemical Romance, by the way. It's kinda embarrassing that Tara likes My Chemical Romance for me because on iTunes, Genius keeps recommending it to me….like all the time. -_- **


	44. Double Dose of Dementia

**The Daily Prophet**

**A TEENAGE GIRL AT HOGWARTS IS TAKEN AWAY BY MINISTRY OFFICIALS**

Yesterday, a seventeen year old girl at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry was taken into custody by Ministry officials after it was discovered that she was not actually a student. Headmaster Albus Dumbledore noticed this after receiving a letter from a student who was very concerned about the girl.

"She was following me around….I don't know who MCR is." said a very stuck-up Gryffindor with a scare on his forehead.

The girl who apparently was named Ebony Way, refused to give an interview. However, she did release this statement to our reporters:

"UUUUUURRRRR SSSOOOOOOOOO STTTTOOOOOPPIIDDD. ! IM GUNNA SLIT MUH RISTZ! DON'T TAKE TWIGHLI(GT OT OV DA LIBARYAYSRIASLBSPUE{SWHES{(BGUD{O(FHEU{T)SEHBSEBSE{!1111111111111111"

It was then that officials found a bag of suspicious, white powder in her shirt pocket. The suspect was asked to return her credentials to the school, and was escorted of the property.

_~Rita Skeeter_


	45. SNL is awesome

Dear Headmaster Dumbledore,

Wonderful news! My friend who works at Leaky Con got me a muggle device called a "television." Apparently I live close enough to muggle civilization that I can just cut a wire hanging on those telephone pole thingies and I rewire it to my house and then I get free cable! I really enjoy this television program called Saturday Night Live. I especially like that muggle by the name of Adam Sandler. But I don't get it, what's Chanukah? Oh, I get it! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA BECAUSE THAT'S HOW IT'S PRONOUNCED OR SPELLED OR SOMETHING! HAHAHAHAHAHHAHha ha hahahahahahah…..ha…. oh wait….that's actually not that funny.

-Arthur Weasley

Dear Arthur,

Every knows that Mike Myers is the best SNL cast member.

-Dumbledore

**Well everyone, I finally got a chance to update!...except Hurricane Irene is coming this weekend and major power outages are expected; Oh, what fun! -_- Also, I'm drinking almond milk….it's not that good.**


	46. I'm BAAACCCKKK!

**Hey everyone! I am SO SORRY! You see after Hurricane Irene the power went out for a flippin' week! I had to go to my relatives' houses to shower. And then when the power came back on, the internet and cable weren't working for another few days. And then my computer broke so I had to get it fixed. What amazing luck I have. Anyway, the good news is pretty much the only bad thing that happened here in CT as a result of Hurricane Irene was the power outage. There wasn't any flooding or property damage. Well at least on my side of the state, it was worse on the other side. So, now I'm back after a long hiatus and I really hope I haven't lost my audience. So….hear you go.**

Dear Headmaster Dumbledore,

I found an item that I find to be HIGHLY SUSPICIOUS and I think it is a matter of the safety of the students that we meet immediately and discuss….what I found. I'd rather not disclose what it is as I am afraid the owl could be intercepted. IT IS OF UPMOST IMPORTANCE THAT WE DO SOMETHING ABOUT THIS!

-Severus Snape

Dear Severus,

You weren't in my office were you?

-Dumbledore

Dear Headmaster Dumbledore,

No….

-Severus Snape

Dear Severus,

….OK…good.

-Dumbledore

**Anyway I'm going to wait about an hour until the next update to see if I'll get any reviews. Also, three things:**

**I'm listening to my ipod, WHOO! PARAMORE!**

**I'm thinking about making a chapter based on a suggestion with Crabbe and Goyle, but I think that that might be to close to the Ebony Dark'ness Dementia whatever her name is crap…unless you guys like that. Also I think I'll make it so that Dumbledore makes a sarcastic remark about their spelling/grammar. Because I have this awesome L.A. teacher names Mrs. Munoz (there's suppose to be a squiggly line over the n in Munoz) and she has a sarcastic sense of humor and whenever she corrects someone and it's funny, one person in the class will go "YOU JUST GOT MUNOZED!" **

**I just finished reading The Lovely Bones, IT'S SO SAD! **


	47. Muh Larp SHEEEE!

**Hey Everyone. I'm only going to make one update today. One, because I'm in dire need of suggestions, two, because I have two school projects to finish and then some Algebra homework. Sorry if I'm not up to my usual standards, school = homework & tests & projects = stress, and three, because a new Weird Things the Podcast is up today and I can't wait to hear the weird. **

Dear Customer,

Your order has been confirmed and will be shipped out to you within a week. Your order included:

-A Beginner's Guide to Kappa Extermination by Herbert Posidelan

-Giant Squid Chow

-Mermish 2: Gru mah larp SHEEEEEE! - x50

- Ministry standard canoes - x100

-Giant Squid toys 5-pack

Thank you for making your purchase!

-Aqueous Creature Care Co.


	48. Returns

Dear Headmaster Dumbledore,

I have become quite frustrated with the students' behavior recently. They are importing clothing and accessories and other things from this ridiculous muggle store called "Hot Topic." I have seen many students wearing offensive clothing during their free time after lessons, which I have no control over since students are allowed to wear their own clothing during this time. Students have been purchasing cosmetics, hair dye, and temporary tattoos! It's getting out of hand. It is of my opinion that all items purchased from this store should be banned from Hogwarts grounds!

-Minerva McGonagall

Dear Minerva,

Does this mean I have to return my The Big Bang Theory Soft Kitty Song Plush doll?

-Albus


	49. Author's Note 4

**Hey everyone! I'm trying to make a comeback on my Dear Headmaster Dumbledore story. I would really appreciate some more suggestions. After that hurricane I really lost my touch and I'm trying to get it back, so I'm going to start rereading some of the books. I've had a lot of school work so I don't have that much free time and I haven't really gotten the chance to use this website in a while. I'm really sorry everyone! I feel like I had this awesome thing going and then I just kind of let everyone down. Kind of like Capcom announcing the Ace Attorney and Professor Layton crossover and then deciding not to release it outside of Japan *sigh*. But, I've returned to making fan fiction. I'm currently working on rebooting this story and I'm in the process of making what I hope will become a multi-chapter humor fic about everyone's favorite Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way. Speaking of which, a few days ago, someone created an account called xxx666bloodyristsxxx and claimed to be Tara. She reposted the first few chapters of My Immortal and said that she was going to finish it and make a sequel. According to her profile the reason she created this second account is because of when her other account got hacked. Could this really be Tara? I hope so. Anyway, I also recently added to stories to Misc. Books. One of them is a short story I wrote for school and the other is a collection of poetry that I've written, which I will continue to update. So, anyway, I hope I can revive this story and bring a smile to some people's faces. **

**Sincerely,**

**FlyingAboveTheClouds**


	50. Snape Loves Owls

Dear Headmaster Dumbledore,

I am very concerned with a new game that is becoming popular among the students. It seems to be a derivation of Exploding Snap, except it's called "Exploding Snape" and involves students placing small explosives in my office and on my person without me noticing. One particular student thought it would funny to place a dung bomb in a jar of Love Potion. Please put an end to this childish nonsense! I BECAME INFAUTATED WITH AN OWL!

-Severus

Dear Mr. Filch,

Please keep Severus away from the Owlery.

-Albus Dumbledore

P.S. I'm terribly sorry about what happened to your cat.


	51. Morning

Dear Headmaster Dumbledore,

I am extremely disappointed to have to inform you that I caught three students drinking ALCOHOL at the Quidditch pitch at 9 o'clock this morning. These students were only in their THIRD year! It is appalling that students so young are drinking wine. How in the world would they even acquire wine? It's truly sad. I am in the middle of telling them off now, I will send them up to your office in an hour or two. Do NOT go easy on them. There punishment should be as SEVERE as possible!

-Rolanda Hooch

Dear Rolanda,

They were drinking wine at 9 IN THE MORNING?

-Dumbledore


	52. Revelation

**Hey everyone! I know it's kinda a day too late for a Valentine's Day chapter, but I never uploaded this yesterday. So, I'm adding this AN right now and….yeah.**

Dear Headmaster Dumbledore,

I have come to realize that I have feelings for you. I hope you have a _really_ good Valentine's Day ; )

-Your secret admirer

Dear Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way,

I already told you to stop sending these to me. (Although I am flattered that this time you took the effort to check your spelling.)

-Albus Dumbledore

***Gasp* Shocking revelation! Anyway, in the theme of one day after Valentine's Day, here are some random facts about love:**

**- Two-thirds of people tilt their heads to the right when kissing.**

**- Girls can get married at age eight in Saudi Arabia 0_o**

**- In some Muslim countries, a Sunni man can divorce his wife simply by saying _talaq_ ("I divorce you")three times.**

**- Brigham Young had 55 wives.**

**- In ancient Greece, Cupid symbolized pedophilia (Ancient Pedobear?)**

**- Studies suggest that people who kiss their spouse goodbye in the morning make more money.**

**- Your eyes sometimes dilate during a kiss**

**- The state with the lowest divorce rate is Massachusetts, Nevada has the highest.**

**- Many psychologists believe that we often fall in love with people who are similar to the parent with whom we have unresolved childhood issues.**

**- About 40 – 70% of female homicides are committed by their significant other. **

**- Psychologists say that breaking up with someone can sometimes cause you to temporarily love them more. **


End file.
